Imitation of Life

. F r a g i l e . by ~Nonnetta on deviantART

I came across the artwork above on deviantART.  I love this picture. I realize I have been just like the little character... heart in a fragile little glass jar for protection, being carried very carefully by me who protects both the glass and the heart.  Tiptoeing around people and issues. Hiding from social functions and friends because it might be painful if my friends do not approve of me.  I liken that to what would happen if the jar opens and something gets in.  What happens when you throw the jar on the floor yourself?  Maybe you get tired of carrying it, or realize you cannot protect the contents forever. 

After reading the book "Co-Dependent No More" I realized I was in several co-dependent relationships... the first and the strongest with my mother, and the second and most destructive with my fiance'. 

I had struggled for years with my very domineering mother who controlled my life even into adulthood.  Her primary concern was "Did you think about me...".  If I disobeyed it was what about her, if I stayed out late, what about her, I got pregnant in College... did I think about her... (Now you know damn well laying on my back I never once thought about her!!). When I met my fiance' I was so anxious to get away from my mom I didn't think about my mother at all.  I looked at this man, who paid so much attention to me and fell instantly in love.  

What a mess this was destined to be.  I was so in love, and so desperate to get out, I ignored the fact that this man was hiding a huge secret and leaking details all the way!!!  Turns out Mr. Wonderful was a parolee with a Felony Murder conviction, which he conveniently mentioned as "teenage rebellion".  More to come!  :) 

The Decision Maker

I realized recently that I make a lot of decisions and then either don't act on them fully or at all. I decided the other day that I needed to figure out what was going on with a relationship I was kinda in... and so I decided to handle it a little differently.  I usually see problems in relationships and allow them to sit and fester until they are unbearable or worse yet bitch about them until my partner gives in due to exhaustion.  After my last relationship landed me in therapy I realized I needed to handle things a bit differently.  Its been 2 years, since the end of my last relationship, I will get to that in just a few more posts.... 

Anyway, I called Officer Friendly, with whom I had been in a somewhat serious blossoming relationship. I include his profession because I am wondering if profession has something to do with this.  When I called there was no answer, but I was not surprised.  Now this was not shocking because it was part of the reason I was calling.  You see, a few weeks prior I noticed that I only spoke with Officer Friendly by text message and IM.  After discussing this with him he said he had decided it was easier to manage my conversations with him by IM and text messages because, according to him, he had greater control over the flow of the conversation via Text and IM.  HUH???  That was angering!!  According to him,  I simply speak to fast for him to understand??? WTH.  (RED FLAG) At the time I can recall thinking of how many other men I had been involved in dialogue with who were fully engaged in our conversations.  I really pondered these other men at the time because I needed to make sure I was even hearing this. Well of course if this is to be long term in any fashion I will not be IM or Texting him when I want to talk in the future... and if I talk to fast now wait until you make me angry. 

 WHY START SOMETHING YOU REFUSE TO CONTINUE.  

Well now, he had behaved very odd in the last few weeks, in fact in the past few days I mean balmy!!!  I was very concerned about this so I wanted to inquire.  I had a feeling this was not a person who would verbalize the problems he was having with our ?relationship/friendship?  Well of course when I called there was no answer.  After the call I sent a text message which was answered within milliseconds. 

I asked for a 1 hour meeting with him and confirmed for Thursday after checking my schedule, of course he was now concerned I may want to borrow money, tell him I am pregnant, and I could have cared less.  The facts to me were as plain as the nose on my face.  

In the days following this conversation we communicated very little, so the night before I IM'd him and we confirmed.  I let him know I would be calling the next morning to set up a time... and he said ok.  Now, here goes... I called the next day NO ANSWER.... oh thats right... text message.. NO Response... Hmmm... wait around... NO Way... Sent an e-mail called a few hours later... and moved on.  Since that day there has been no word from him no response, yet he remained a friend on FaceBook and on IM, never saying anything.  So I deleted him from my Facebook!!  After several days he sent me a message... " You sure did hit that X delete button quick."  WHAT??  I should have sat there day in and day out just looking at your FB status and worrying when you would decide to respond to me.  That was the old me.  So next step you get deleted from messenger, I am not checking my text messages and I could care less what the explaination is.  I deserve better!  When he finally caught up with me again I was downright icy. He never offered an explaination and I didn't solicit.  See, it would be great to get an explaination, to pad myself and my hurt with it and make me feel better.  The fact is that I am looking for a new way to love and be loved.   I cannot bring people or attitudes with me that are from the past... and in the past doormat was my specialty.  

In the past I would have waited for him to delete me from his life, kinda half waiting for the explaination... but I can tell I have grown, changed, and maybe feel better about myself, because I allowed myself to be the decision maker, and I stepped forward to fix what I found wrong.  Why should a man be given the ability to decide if I am worthy of his attention?  Why should I wait for him to bestow his affections on me as though his were somehow more magnificent than my own.  No, the best way to quit is cold turkey... and I can kick any habit. 

Thanking God for Something

I am home sick trying to stay out of the rain!!

I was thinking about how many times this year I faced a personal challenge and decided I was going to stick it out and make it a victory, when I thought about it one of the things I was giving myself credit for happened last year!! I was giving myself a big ole pat on the back for surviving the diagnosis of my daughter with Cancer, she is fine now... and we made it through the whole thing but I don't rememeber when I realized it was over... and when I did I don't remember if I thanked GOD for the experience.

I know I thanked him for saving my daughter, I know I thanked him for giving me the strength, but I don't remember truly appreciating the experience. ‚ I remember saying "why me" and moaning about being put in such a horrible position... I just don't remember when I realized not only is my relationship stronger with my daughter, but with God. Since the day I got the news that my 3 year old needed surgery and might be crippled for life and the day they told me she had gone into remission and she went on to be a gymnast and ballerina... my faith has been increased, I have been increased.

That experience gave me the strength I needed to do all the things I have done since. So much has happened since she was diagnosed, and together we have grown tremendously through the experience, but I just don't remember thanking GOD for the experience... you can look at how bad a situation is and never be grateful for the lessons learned in the midst of it all. Now as I ascend from the valley (where I grew so much and prayed so hard to leave) I have to remind myself to be grateful for the experiences learned there... and to reflect occassionally on them in order to continue to appreciate the mountaintop experiences I am walking into now.

Begin Again Lady... Begin Again

I have never been one to linger in the dark things that have happened to me.  All the pain I have experienced I quickly let go and continued without fear.  Other people don't always understand me or my reactions and that makes them nervous.  

When I was in High School I was attacked by some young men who wanted to rape me, on the school grounds.  I returned to school within a week, dressing the same (which was never provocative, I was a geek), laughing the same, and with no shame.  Other students couldn't understand... you know what happened to her... look at her, how can she hold her head up.   Therefore my story was labeled as untrue, "she must have been caught having sex with all those boys."

I decided even then that I would not allow myself to know shame.   I won't do anything that makes me ashamed, and I won't be ashamed for the things that others did to me.  The interesting thing is that that realization in and of itself was the most freeing thing I have ever embraced.  That was at 13 and until recently I never realized what that meant for the people around me.  

People are genuinely uncomfortable by the fact that you are not ashamed of rape, abuse, and pain.  People are uncomfortable when your reaction to an experience is contrary to what is expected.  People get uncomfortable when your answer to why is ... I was raped, or I was/am poor.   My question to all of us is "Why is that?"  I didn't do it to you, you didn't do it to me.  The coward(s) that did this is not here watching you struggle for your next words.  Yet in each case it is as if you just confessed to commiting rape when you offer it as information.  I am here, I am coping, and I am unashamed.    

What if you learned that the life change that was brought about in me as a result of my attack was a blessing.  Yes, after the attack, I became depressed, withdrawn, promiscuous,  and rebelious, but what about after that... after the self loathing and low self esteem... what if all of that was just a catalyst to make me the person I am today.  

Don't feel sorry for me... this moment, the moment in the stairs, and all the ones in between allowed me to begin again and learn me many times from that day to today.  What I have learned is this, the things that have harmed me, the things that have changed my life have made me who I am today... and I wouldn't change it one bit!!  I love me.  Learning to turn my negative experiences, the things that threatened my existence have made me the person I am today!