Imitation of Life

. F r a g i l e . by ~Nonnetta on deviantART

I came across the artwork above on deviantART.  I love this picture. I realize I have been just like the little character... heart in a fragile little glass jar for protection, being carried very carefully by me who protects both the glass and the heart.  Tiptoeing around people and issues. Hiding from social functions and friends because it might be painful if my friends do not approve of me.  I liken that to what would happen if the jar opens and something gets in.  What happens when you throw the jar on the floor yourself?  Maybe you get tired of carrying it, or realize you cannot protect the contents forever. 

After reading the book "Co-Dependent No More" I realized I was in several co-dependent relationships... the first and the strongest with my mother, and the second and most destructive with my fiance'. 

I had struggled for years with my very domineering mother who controlled my life even into adulthood.  Her primary concern was "Did you think about me...".  If I disobeyed it was what about her, if I stayed out late, what about her, I got pregnant in College... did I think about her... (Now you know damn well laying on my back I never once thought about her!!). When I met my fiance' I was so anxious to get away from my mom I didn't think about my mother at all.  I looked at this man, who paid so much attention to me and fell instantly in love.  

What a mess this was destined to be.  I was so in love, and so desperate to get out, I ignored the fact that this man was hiding a huge secret and leaking details all the way!!!  Turns out Mr. Wonderful was a parolee with a Felony Murder conviction, which he conveniently mentioned as "teenage rebellion".  More to come!  :) 

Begin Again Lady... Begin Again

I have never been one to linger in the dark things that have happened to me.  All the pain I have experienced I quickly let go and continued without fear.  Other people don't always understand me or my reactions and that makes them nervous.  

When I was in High School I was attacked by some young men who wanted to rape me, on the school grounds.  I returned to school within a week, dressing the same (which was never provocative, I was a geek), laughing the same, and with no shame.  Other students couldn't understand... you know what happened to her... look at her, how can she hold her head up.   Therefore my story was labeled as untrue, "she must have been caught having sex with all those boys."

I decided even then that I would not allow myself to know shame.   I won't do anything that makes me ashamed, and I won't be ashamed for the things that others did to me.  The interesting thing is that that realization in and of itself was the most freeing thing I have ever embraced.  That was at 13 and until recently I never realized what that meant for the people around me.  

People are genuinely uncomfortable by the fact that you are not ashamed of rape, abuse, and pain.  People are uncomfortable when your reaction to an experience is contrary to what is expected.  People get uncomfortable when your answer to why is ... I was raped, or I was/am poor.   My question to all of us is "Why is that?"  I didn't do it to you, you didn't do it to me.  The coward(s) that did this is not here watching you struggle for your next words.  Yet in each case it is as if you just confessed to commiting rape when you offer it as information.  I am here, I am coping, and I am unashamed.    

What if you learned that the life change that was brought about in me as a result of my attack was a blessing.  Yes, after the attack, I became depressed, withdrawn, promiscuous,  and rebelious, but what about after that... after the self loathing and low self esteem... what if all of that was just a catalyst to make me the person I am today.  

Don't feel sorry for me... this moment, the moment in the stairs, and all the ones in between allowed me to begin again and learn me many times from that day to today.  What I have learned is this, the things that have harmed me, the things that have changed my life have made me who I am today... and I wouldn't change it one bit!!  I love me.  Learning to turn my negative experiences, the things that threatened my existence have made me the person I am today!